In this weekly self-help series, mental health and life coach Anu Krishna tells you how to take control of your life.

Is your relationship causing you stress?

Are you feeling lonely, helpless, indecisive?

You are not alone!

As part of an initiative to help Rediff readers, mind/life coach, NLP trainer and mental health guru Anu Krishna wants you to talk about your problems.

Every week, Anu will answer your queries, address your concerns and offer expert advice on how you can take control of your life.

  • Ask ANU: ‘I feel suicidal. What can I do?’
  • ASK ANU: How do I deal with loss of a loved one?
  • Are couples fighting more in the lockdown?
  • ASK ANU: Do couples have less sex after marriage?

Dear readers, if you have a question for Anu, please e-mail it to [email protected] (Subject: Ask ANU) for her advice.

Meanwhile, here’s Anu’s latest offline session with readers:

Hi Anu, how are you?
I don’t have a good married life. My wife and I always think differently.
She hates me and living with me.
We don’t have a good intimate relationship.
A few years back, she wanted divorce me but stopped due to children and family pressure. She also tried to stay with another person in the past.
She is not satisfied with me.
We’ve completed 13 years and, since the last seven years, life is bad with her.
She is staying with me and the children but not with a happy mind. She is a good devotee but she is not happy. She thinks I spoiled her life.
Need your kind advice.
S

Dear S,

She is a good devotee? I can’t quite understand this statement. And she hates you? How?

If what you have mentioned are facts, then isn’t it time for the two of you to evaluate if it’s worth living together?

If you are continuing with the marriage for the sake of the children, then do understand that there are certain ways in which you should behave so that the children do not absorb the stress that the two of you are facing.

If you keep arguing or fighting in front of them, it will affect them emotionally.

It is time that the two of you have a conversation as mature adults and sort this out quickly before it consumes the children. Else, make the sane decision of going your separate ways.

If you can’t do this by yourselves, seek professional help as soon as possible.

Do remember, it takes two people to make a marriage work, so look within yourself as well to see what you can change to smooth things over and work on that.

All the best and a Happy 2022.

 

Hi Anu.
I have completed my graduation and am currently working. Side by side, I am doing a professional accounting course and have reached the final stage.
I have recently failed one exam and I feel very discouraged. I feel I should quit my job and focus on my papers instead.
However, quitting my job will lead to a career gap which is not good for long term.
I am very stressed and clueless about what to do. Please advise.
Thank you.
Riya

Dear Riya,

Failure is only feedback. Understand what fell short while studying for the examination. Was it stress or anxiety or lack of time or simply no planning?

When you work and study, it is imperative that you manage time very well.

1. Clearly state what your goal is; break it down into mini daily goals.

2. Have a timeline for each mini goal.

3. Visualise the way you will achieve these mini goals on a daily basis.

4. Follow your visualisation strictly.

5. Pat yourself on your back every day after achieving all your mini goals.

If this doesn’t work, simply check why you are pursuing this course on the side.

If you do not have a compelling answer, you may want to ask yourself if you truly want to pursue the course or change it altogether or only focus on your career for the time being.

Whatever you come up with, remember to enjoy yourself even if it means studies…

All the best and a Happy 2022!

 

I have two problems right now which are making me depressed and very, very lonely.
I have been married for seven years now. After a year, there have been misunderstandings between us.
I have been trying to talk to him and make him feel our love but I fail every time.
He is too judgemental, obsessive and bossy.
I thought he is behaving like this because he lost his parents but it’s been four years now.
My sisters-in-law often create a rift between us. Sometimes, I feel that he doesn’t love me at all.
While dealing with this, I had my parents and sister by my side. My sister’s husband took advantage of the situation and tried to assault me.
I complained about it to my mom and sister. My mom got scared that it might affect my sister’s life so she wants me to forget about what happened.
I didn’t tell my husband because he is too aggressive.
My mom, sister and her husband all are behaving as though nothing happened.
I am scared that my husband will judge me for the rest of my life if I tell him and I love him.
I am too disturbed and lonely. I feel empty, like no one is there for me. I have lost my sleep. Please, please help me.
TK

Dear TK,

Please stop making excuses for your husband’s behaviour or your sister’s husband’s behaviour.

If what you say is true then, by being bossy and judgmental, your husband has emotionally distanced himself from you and your sister’s husband has physically abused you.

You have lost your power by not calling this out.

Isn’t it the job of a husband to support his wife when she has been in any danger? And you are actually worried about your sister, her husband, your mother and your husband, which is affecting your state of mind.

The more you choose to ignore the wrong that has happened with you, the more it is going to impact you.

Also remember, if you allow your sister’s husband to roam around freely like this, he can do the same to another woman.

Yes, your husband might judge you, but you will judge yourself for life if you don’t take this step.

The biggest mistake a woman can make in the name of culture, society and family pride is to be silent. This silence causes a cascading effect on her and her family, especially her children, as she stops being happy.

Reclaim your power and speak up now.

Confide in a friend. Do what is right for you and make a statement for all the women who might be facing similar challenges.

As for your husband, don’t you think it’s possible to keep all these people out of your marriage and focus on your relationship? And that it’s time to appeal to him about making your marriage work and rebuild it from scratch?

Is that possible?

Only the two of you can answer once you have decided to take charge of your life.

All the best and a Happy 2022!

 

Hi Ma’am.
I’m having a problem with my parents about my marriage.
I’ve been in a relationship for three years and I want to marry him.
My parents are not agreeing as it is a society issue because it is an interstate and inter-caste marriage.
I’m trying to convince my parents for that since long time but it’s going nowhere and they are too stubborn to even meet him once.
What can I do in this situation? How can I deal with their emotional drama as a parent-child relationship should not break because of these issues? Kindly advise me, Ma’am.
AS

Dear AS,

You need to focus on how you can marry the person you love and also have your parents support you.

Is this possible?

There is a chance only if you take them into complete confidence and appeal to their logic.

Many societies are still against inter-caste marriages and I am sure they have their reasons for it, just like your parents have strong reasons to oppose the marriage.

Have you tried to find out why they oppose it? Are they worried about how they will face your family members as this is a big thing across cultures in the world?

As their daughter, you have connections with them as well as the right to live your life your way. Bring in an elder member of the family and ask him/her to appeal on your behalf. If this doesn’t work, you might be forced to decide one way or the other.

Whatever you do, do it with conviction and maintain relationships along the way. It may be an uphill task but breathe, smile and live life.

All the best, Happy 2022!

 

I have been married for a little more than five years and I am living under tremendous stress and depression.
We live in a joint family with my parents and an unmarried brother. I had told her all this before marriage.
She loves me very much but her attitude towards my relatives has been a matter of concern right from the start.
She does not want to keep a relationship with anybody apart from my immediate family.
Slowly, she started having problems with my mother also; both have started having minor clashes at home. Many times, it is my mother’s mistake.
The main problem is that she is very nagging and complains and gets irritated very frequently at the smallest instance.
Frustrated, I planned on separating with her but the news came of her pregnancy and we were blessed with a baby girl.
After the baby was born, my wife’s frustration and irritation has increased manifold because of her fear that my mother will give much more love to the baby then she can. So their clashes have increased.
Now my wife has been putting a lot of pressure on me to look for a new house away from my parents, since she wants her own space.
I already have a home loan on the existing home and a car loan. There is very less scope for me to purchase a new home and I don’t want to leave my parents. She just doesn’t understand my position and clashes happen between us.
Looking at all this, I desperately want to separate from her but can’t do so because of our daughter. I love her the most and can’t live without her. So I just endure what is happening every day.
This has resulted in me slipping into depression. It has affected my work in office as well. I am not performing well, I don’t like to speak with any of my friends or relatives, I don’t feel like doing anything.
I’m living for the sake of my daughter, that’s it.
Even my parents are not in a position to understand me and my situation so I can’t talk to them either.
Can you help?
Just don’t publish my name.

Hi

It is unfortunate that you are in this situation.

Your wife is possibly not very inclined to be in a joint family set-up; the reasons maybe many. But isn’t it necessary for you as a husband and a father to look out for your family?

The misunderstandings caused between the two of you over the years because of being in a joint family set-up have never been addressed and much water has flowed under the bridge.

There is a slim chance that matters might get resolved if you get your mother and wife in the same room and iron it out, with you being a neutral person who does not take sides; this is the best option.

If this isn’t possible, kindly visit a family counsellor who can step in and show your family a way to live amicably or give you a perspective on how healthy it might be to live separately.

At the end of the day, you have responsibilities towards your wife and child too!

All the best and a Happy 2022.

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