I never thought a day will come when I would say this, but it has, and I am saying it: I no longer get a dopamine high from the non-stop Hindu-Muslim blah blah. To tell you the truth, it’s getting tiresome. Please don’t think I am being ungrateful or anything — I am not. I am not only a proud Hindu but also an excessively grateful one.

For the record, let me tell you that I am more grateful than you have ever been for the
achhe din
that you and I are enjoying today. I am even more grateful that, for once, it is not the minorities that my beautiful government is appeasing. I can never forget that Hindus comprise barely 80% of India’s population, while a whopping 14.2% of all Indians are Muslims. If you are a Hindu, you have to be a total idiot not to feel threatened by the fact that Hindus outnumber Muslims only by a factor of 5.7 is to 1.

The need to hate

What if, starting from tomorrow, India’s 966 million Hindus abruptly stop procreating and India’s 172 million Muslims (men and women both) produce six children per capita before the 2019 elections? It means the Muslim population could overtake the Hindu population by as early as July next year. Logically speaking, the only way to stop this from happening is for all of us to continuously keep blathering on about Hindu-Muslim stuff, to keep forwarding fake news on WhataApp, and to somehow keep the flame of communal hatred burning in our hearts.

After all, what is left in life if there aren’t other people to hate? Personally, I hate nothing more than to see other people happy. I especially hate to see any Hindu-Muslim couple being happy — it reminds me of my own unhappy youth, which was a total washout, romantically speaking. This is also why I support love jihad and condemn Valentine’s Day, a colonial custom that encourages Indians to adopt foreign culture like love before marriage.

I know I am treading on sensitive ground here. In India we don’t tolerate any Hindu-Muslim talk from anyone unless that person is either a bigoted news anchor or a bigoted politician. Sadly, I have a long way to go before I can lay claim to being either. Of course, it is not easy to do what our news channels do every evening, and I want to place on record my gratitude to our prime time anchors for consistently speaking hateful lies to the grateful powerless, which takes as much courage as declaring a non-existent university an Institute of Eminence. Besides courage, it also takes resourcefulness, for as Samuel Butler famously said, “Any fool can tell the truth but only an Indian fool can spot the most talented liars and elect them to power.”

Rahul Gandhi’s misstep

So, let me come to the point: it was with great anguish that I read in the papers that Congress president Rahul Gandhi had met with some Muslim intellectuals. This is not only ridiculous and anti-national but also deeply offensive to my own sensibility as a proud Hindu. If Mr. Gandhi had suddenly felt an irrepressible urge to meet intellectuals, there are any number of Hindu intellectuals that he could have met. He could have met Chetan, one of the world’s foremost intellectuals and an author of several bestsellers with superb intellectual content. Or he could have met Sambit, another intellectual giant from the Hindu community. If he didn’t like either of them, he still had plenty of choice, ranging from Anupam and Mohandas to Vivek, Madhu, and Chacha Chaudhary.

Instead, Mr. Gandhi met with a bunch of intellectuals whose contribution to Hindutva is almost zero. One can barely imagine what they discussed during their interaction. Hopefully they didn’t talk about unemployment, inequality, destruction of institutions, and other such non-issues.

As any public intellectual worth his paymaster will tell you, the real issues facing the country today are not jobs, roads, hospitals, schools, and farmer distress but why Mr. Gandhi keeps travelling abroad at a time when the country is in desperate need of good governance. In these difficult times, when even the Maldives and Seychelles are thumbing their noses at us, and India is taking dictation in foreign policy from the U.S. and China, it is imperative that Mr. Gandhi is held accountable for his poor fashion sense.

At one level, it’s hardly surprising that a politician who doesn’t dress elegantly and doesn’t even have the guts to publicly play multiple musical instruments will want to meet Muslim intellectuals. But who will take responsibility if, like Mr. Gandhi, every other Hindu politician starts talking to Muslim intellectuals? What next — Hindu intellectuals talking to Muslim politicians? At this rate, we may never get around to rewriting the Constitution. So my humble request to all of you: stop wasting your time on Hindu-Muslim stuff and instead, start celebrating your unborn child’s lucrative campus placement at Jio Institute.

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